Amongst the Pale Starlight
by katznhund
Summary: Shepard wakes up after the Lazarus Project unsure of her place in the world. She works on coming to terms with dying and the changes that have taken place over the last two years. Previous Shep/Kaidan and eventual Shep/Garrus.
1. Waking Up

**A/N:** This is my fic for my canon Shepard. It is more of a collection of scenes between the fighting than a straight follow of Mass Effect 2. I don't have a beta so please pardon any lingering typos.

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><p><strong>Dossier: Commander Shepard - Alliance Military N7, Spectre<br>Name: **Jane Marie Shepard  
><strong>DOB:<strong> April 11, 2154  
><strong>Background: <strong>Born and raised on Midoir, survived slavers raid and later joined the Alliance. Earned Star of Terra for holding position on Elysium during Skyllian Blitz. Has shown strong dedication to upholding justice and helping others. Model Alliance soldier.  
><strong>Recent Activities: <strong>As first human Spectre saved the Citadel and Council with loss of only one crew member, Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on Virmire.  
><strong>Current Status:<strong> Commander Shepard's vessel, the SSV Normandy, destroyed by unknown enemy ship. Shepard not among the survivors in life pods, officially listed as missing in action, assumed dead.

**Waking Up**

Lazarus. The Illusive Man. Freedom's Progress. They were on their way back to the Cerberus station now. Sitting and waiting was hard, it left time for thinking; pointing and shooting was much easier. Shepard avoided her companions and looked out the window. Tali seemed to doing well. She wished the quarian was in the shuttle with them now. Shepard tried not to let her disappointment show when Tali said no. She felt very alone right now.

They were back at the station, time for another meeting with the Illusive Man.

Put together a team to save the galaxy, sounded familiar. She had a team, a good team, but they moved on after she died. _Stop thinking, focus on the task. _Fine, she would build another one. The Reapers needed to be stopped. Going to Omega seemed as good a place to start as any, not like she had any leads of her own.

"Hey Commander," a familiar voice said from behind her.

_Joker?_ They walked upstairs together. _Walking upstairs_. Joker walking beside her, no crutches or braces, it must have been Cerberus' doing. Maybe they weren't all bad.

"They just told me last night."

She looked into the dark expanse on the other side of the window. First one light, and then another. It couldn't be. She'd stood in the CIC and looked up into open space. She had watched it explode in her last moments as she struggled to breathe. Shepard blinked hard and shook her head. No, it wasn't the Normandy, but it was almost identical.

"Feels good to home, doesn't it?"

_Home._ Yes the Normandy had been her home, although she hadn't realized she felt that way at the time. "She's going to need a name."

For the first time since leaving the Lazarus Project station, Shepard was alone. She was lying in bed trying to get some sleep before they reached Omega. She stared vacantly at the fish tank that took up most of the wall beside her. She frowned, it reminded her of how she was feeling: New, impressive, and empty.

She listened to the dull thud of her heart. It seemed to echo against the cold metal walls. Then she became aware of a faint whir that pulsed with the same rhythm. Cybernetics. How many strange mechanical objects had they put in her? The face she saw in the mirror seemed mostly the same. The bump on her nose where she had broken it when she was a teenager was gone. The old familiar scars were gone too, replaced by new ones. But inside, how much was still her? Was she just some flesh covered mechanical creation, a shell? A husk?

Shepard turned away from the blue glow of the tank and tried again to get comfortable. She knew she should sleep but her mind and body seemed to be fighting against it. Maybe it was the last of the adrenaline still coursing through her system. Maybe her new body didn't need as much rest. Or maybe she was just afraid of what would happen when she did fall asleep. Would she dream? Could she still dream? What if something in the project had gone wrong and she simply didn't wake up again?

She tried to steer her mind away from such thoughts. Instead she focused on the task ahead, trying to remember everything she'd heard about Omega and going over the dossiers in her head.


	2. Old Friends

**Old Friends**

Meeting with Aria and having to listen to her "I'm Queen of Omega, don't fuck with me" speech put Shepard in a bad mood. She had intended to find Mordin first but Archangel intrigued her, plus getting the better of a bunch of mercs seemed like a good idea. At least she hoped it would put her in a better mood.

She was shocked when Archangel removed his helmet. The last person she would have imagined hunting mercs on Omega was Garrus. She caught herself before she ran forward and hugged him. "What are you doing here?"

He cocked his head to one side. "I might ask you the same thing."

She rubbed the back of her neck, "Long story."

"Likewise."

Still he humored her as she asked a few questions before returning to the issue of the incoming mercs.

"I didn't like sneaking anyway," she gave him a crooked smile, "time to spill a little merc blood."

Garrus responded to her unusual enthusiasm with a questioning look before moving back to the balcony. "I'll stay up here. I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point. And you, you can do what you do best. Just like old times."

She pulled out her gun and loaded a thermal clip. "Just like old times."

Shepard didn't expect Garrus to walk into the briefing room. She was surprised but also relieved. After finishing her duties for the day she headed down to check on him. She found him in a small room off the main battery. It was little more than a storage closet for the guns' systems but there was enough room for a cot against the far wall. Garrus was lying on his good side, face towards the wall.

"Garrus?" Shepard asked quietly, not sure if he was sleeping or awake.

"Commander," he replied immediately and started to sit up.

"Don't, stay the way you are." She moved a small crate closer to the bed and sat down on it. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. Do you need any more pain meds from Dr. Chakwas?"

"I'm fine, or at least as good as I can be with part of my face blown off." He laughed nervously then groaned, " I've got to stop doing that."

"Are you sure you're okay here? I can find a better place for you to sleep."

"Shepard, really, I'm fine."

"If you say so, but let me know if you change your mind or you need anything."

Garrus rolled over to face her and propped himself up on one arm. "If I need something, you'll be the first to know."

"Good. I should go now, you need to sleep. I just wanted to check in on you before I headed to my quarters. I'm going back to Omega tomorrow to find Dr. Mordin Solus."

"Ah, Mordin. I've heard of him, runs a free clinic in the slums. The rumor is he's former STG. You should be fine as long as you don't threaten him or the clinic. You'll have to get past the quarantine first. The plague doesn't seem to effect humans so you won't have to worry about getting sick but they still won't want to let you in."

"Thanks, Garrus." Shepard stood to leave. "Are you alright with being alone on a Cerberus vessel tomorrow?"

"I'm a big boy Shepard; I can take care of myself."

"So I've seen," she smirked.

"You're going to recruit a salarian tomorrow and Cerberus knew Archangel was a turian. I don't think they would have filled the ship with a xenophobic crew. I'll be fine. Besides I doubt I'll go any further than the med bay. Stop worrying so much, it doesn't suit you."

"Yeah," she mumbled as she shifted her eyes to the ground.

Garrus noticed the change in her mood, "Shepard, I didn't –,"

She cut him off. "No you're right. I am being a bit of a mother hen." She forced a smile to show there were no hard feelings then changed the subject. "I'm taking Miranda and Zaeed with me tomorrow. See Yeoman Chambers or Dr. Chakwas if you need anything. If you have question about the mission, talk to Jacob. He'll give you straight answers. I'll let you get some rest now."

She turned and headed to the door. "Shepard," Garrus called after her. She stopped and looked at him. "Thanks."

That one word was all that needed to be said between them about what happened in the hideout. Shepard gave him a genuine smile now.

"I'll be here if you need me," he added before rolling back over.

Shepard nodded and the door swished shut behind her. As she rode the elevator up to her room she marveled at how a few familiar words had the ability to bring her a little peace.


	3. The Citadel

**The Citadel**

With Mordin onboard and working on an antidote, Shepard decided she couldn't avoid it any longer, it was time to go see the Council. Back to the Citadel where she was given the honor of becoming the first human spectre, saved the Council and destroyed Sovereign, and where she experienced a few brief moments of peace with Kaidan before being sent out to fight geth.

Kaidan, she tried not to think about him. They had an understanding that as long as she was his CO they would keep things professional. She almost gave in before Ilos. Sometimes she selfishly wished she'd had and taken that bit of happiness for herself while she could.

"Shepard, we've docked at the Zakera Ward," Joker reported over the comm.

"Thanks. Have Garrus and Jacob meet me in the CIC."

She suited up and took a quick glance at her reflection in the fish tank. It was a very different Shepard than the one who left the Citadel two years ago.

Things at the Citadel were not off to a good start. First there was the "our sensors think you're dead" issue with C-Sec which she tried to laugh it off, "Only mostly dead." Then there were all of the new advertising vids they had put in since she was last there. "Shepard, you've recently been dead," and "You earned zero credits last year," they shouted. She really didn't need holographic images reminding her that she should be rotting on some planet's surface instead of walking around.

On top of all of that she was fuming over Avina's programmed denial of the Reapers, blaming the attack on Saren and the geth instead. Everything she had worked to uncover had been swept back under the rug. Jacob was right, in some ways the Citadel never changes, even after almost being destroyed.

She ducked into the nearest shop to get away from the ads and the stares they caused. There would be no sneaking around the Citadel with those things. Jacob and Garrus silently followed behind her.

"Welcome to Citadel Souvenirs," the asari behind the counter chirped happily. Shepard had to remind herself to smile politely. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Shepard had just wanted to get away from the bustle of the ward and forgot about having to actually interact with someone in a shop. She remembered Gardner's request. "Yes, do you know where I could find these?" She showed the asari the list.

"You should be able to find it at the Zakera Cafe. Is there anything else I can interest you in? Perhaps a pet or model ship?" She waved at the shelves behind her.

Shepard was prepared to say no and leave when something caught her eye. "Can I see that?" She pointed to a sleek looking model. The asari handed it to her so she could examine it more closely. She rubbed a finger along the side, feeling the raised lettering of the ship's name. _SSV Normandy_.

"They did a good job," Garrus said over her shoulder.

"Think it comes with a Mako that drives terribly?"

"I think that was an operator error issue. And if it does I'm not fixing it if you break it."

"As far as I know this model doesn't come with any accessories," the shopkeeper said, "but I can check if you'd like."

"That's alright." A faint smile crossed Shepard's lips as she carefully put the model down. "I'll take one."

Back on the Normandy Shepard carefully hung the ship in the small office area in her quarters. It was the first personal thing she'd added, even the picture of Kaidan on the desk was already there when she got on board. In a bittersweet way it reminded her of simpler times. For now the sweet outweighed the bitter and that was the best she could hope for.


	4. After the Meeting

**After the Meeting  
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"Do the words 'political shit storm' mean anything to you?" Udina bellowed.

"Well excuse me for living," Shepard shot back almost instantly.

Judging by the speed of her response Garrus guessed it was a phrase she'd used often and hadn't intended the extra meaning. Still, it did a good job of shutting Udina up. Councilor Anderson sending Udina to his office like a parent sends a child to their room was just icing on the cake. Garrus glanced at Jacob and both tried not to laugh. Shepard shot a look at them but said nothing and followed Anderson to the balcony.

"How have the last couple years been?" Shepard started.

"This certainly isn't where I'd thought I'd be right now."

Garrus tried not to listen in to their conversation but there wasn't much to do besides stand around awkwardly. He checked his omnitool for new messages.

"...didn't they examine the wreckage?"

"There wasn't much left..."

Garrus wandered over the news terminal and scanned the headlines.

"...estimates for final restoration are sitting around five years."

The conversation seemed to be winding down and Garrus returned to the small alcove where Jacob was already waiting.

"How's Kaidan?" Shepard's voice was low and she shift her gaze across the Presidium below.

"He's fine. It's Staff Commander Alenko now."

"A promotion. Sounds like the last couple of years have been good to him."

"Well..." Anderson trailed off.

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. "Where is he now?"

"I'm sorry Shepard but I can't tell you. It's classified."

"Captain." Garrus noticed her unintentional slip and even though he couldn't see her face, he knew she was pleading with Anderson to tell her, not as a superior but as an old friend.

"I can't, not while you're working with Cerberus."

"Right. Cerberus." There was a dull resignation in her voice.

Shepard straightened up, back to being a soldier. "Thanks for your help with the Council."

"I'll try to keep them off your back. "

"It was good to see you again Anderson."

He gave her arm an affectionate squeeze. "You too."

Shepard turned her attention to Garrus and Jacob. "Let's get back to the ship."

None of them spoke as they made their way back through the wards. Garrus could tell that Shepard was upset but whether it was sadness or anger or some mixture of both, he couldn't tell.


	5. The Past

**The Past**

The Set up: Shepard is sitting on a crate in Garrus' little room off the battery and having a beer. This sort of jumps in mid conversations. Not sure exactly where this is in the timeline for my Shep, but it's sometime before Horizon.

"Garrus, please, call me Marie or Merr."

"Marie? I thought your name was Jane." She raised an eyebrow and gave him a questioning look. "Well," he unconsciously rubbed the back of neck, "I looked at your file when I was investigating Saren and then it was in all the vids after the first Normandy."

She shook her head and sighed. "Marie is my middle name, Jane Marie Shepard. No one ever called me Jane though, unless I was in trouble. If my mom called me Jane Marie, I knew I'd done something really bad." She chuckled at the memory.

"Did you get into a lot of trouble when you were younger?"

"Sometimes, usually because of something my older brother Tom put me up to."

"I didn't realize you had a brother."

Shepard fidgeted with the glass in her hand. "I tried to avoid talking about my family after I joined the Alliance. I guess you know what happened on Mindoir?"

"Yeah, they mentioned it briefly in the vids."

"Of course they did," she rolled her eyes then looked down at her drink. "My parents were farmers. I knew more about growing crops than I did guns and fighting. Tom wanted to join the Alliance though, get away the farm and see the galaxy. I always figured I'd meet some nice young guy, get married, have a family of my own and take over my parent's place," she paused for a moment. "I was 16 when the Batarians hit."

"Shepard- Marie, you don't have to talk about this. You don't owe me any explanations."

"No, it's alright." She wasn't sure why she was telling him this; it wasn't something she'd spoken about it in years. She took another swig of beer. "My brother had gone hunting in the woods near the colony, I tagged along. When the raid started we thought a generator had exploded; didn't take long to figure out what was really going on. Tom told me to wait there; he was going to go try to get Mom and Dad. So I hid and I waited. It was a long time before the gunfire stopped; even then I stayed and waited. Eventually I made my way back to the edge of the colony. The batarians were gone by then. I remember running home but there wasn't much left, just a blackened hole and few pieces of metal. I yelled for my parents and Tom. Nothing. I was so hoarse by the time the Alliance found me that I could hardly speak." Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. "They never found their bodies. The Alliance took me and the few other survivors to the nearest space station. I've never been back."

"I'm sorry."

An awkward silence that settled between them for a few minutes until Shepard spoke again. "I guess I got tired of talking about it. I had to tell everyone in the beginning: Councilors, social workers, Alliance investigators. I just wanted to be left alone. I got so tired of their stares and false pity."

Garrus noticed the hint of bitterness in her voice. "Did you decide to join the Alliance because they saved you?"

Shepard looked over at him and shrugged her shoulders. "Yes and no. I wandered from station to station for a few years picking up odd jobs to get by. I ran errands for gang bosses for a few months. Got arrested for stealing, twice." Garrus flicked his mandibles and Shepard gave him a crooked smile. "I bet they didn't mention that in the vids."

Garrus shook his head, "No, no they didn't."

"After a while I got tired of it. I had to accept that whatever hopes and dreams I'd had were gone. My whole family, all of my friends, almost everyone I'd ever known was dead and I was wasting my life working for thugs. I went to the Alliance, they'd saved me after all, and they didn't ask too many questions. After a few years of service they cleared my record. It was a chance at a fresh start and they became my like my new family. I've never told him but I looked up to Captain- Excuse me, Councilor Anderson like a father."

Shepard drained the last of her beer and put the glass down with a loud thud. "Enough of that, I've spent too much of your time tonight 'waxing goddamned nostalgic' as Zaeed would say, I should get some shut eye." She stood up to go, "Next time it's your turn."

"Alright. Good night Merr."

"Night Garrus."

He stared at the empty space where Shepard had been sitting after she left. The vids had mentioned she'd been one of the few survivors of the raid and at some level he realized that meant she'd lost her family. He had never really thought about it though, what it must have been like to be young and suddenly alone like that. _"I had to accept that whatever hopes and dreams I'd had were gone. My whole family, all of my friends, almost everyone I'd ever known was dead ."_ There were parallels to where they were now, except she had been the one that died and the rest of them had to go on without her. He understood why she might want to hold on to the past. How many times can you have your life ripped out from under you and then keep going?


	6. Garrus' Canon

**Garrus' Canon**

Garrus kept a close eye on the Commander for the next few days. Gradually, he started to see subtle differences. She laughed and smiled less than she use to and she was still friendly with the crew but seemed to keep most of them at arm's length. He wasn't sure if it was because they were Cerberus or if it was a change in her personality. When she thought no one was watching she often looked distant and perhaps a bit sad.

He also confirmed that she seemed to be around at all hours. He'd worked with enough humans to know most of them preferred at least 8 hours of sleep, often more if they could get it. He heard her in the mess before the main crew shift began and she was up well into the third shift, usually poking her head into the main battery more nights than not.

Garrus was sitting at the back of the mess area going over schematics. It was quiet, only the skeleton night crew was awake and he was alone. This was something he'd usually do in his small room but tonight he was waiting for the Commander. The elevator door whooshed open behind him and Shepard passed by, unaware of his presence, headed to the kitchen. She grabbed a mug and placed in under the coffee maker. She pushed a few buttons then leaned back against the counter and tilted her head back as far as it would go, stretching out her neck. Shepard closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and then let out a slow sigh. The machine beeped, she grabbed the mug and started back to the elevator. She'd almost passed Garrus when he finally spoke.

"Do you ever sleep, Commander?" Shepard jumped a little at the sound, spilling some of the hot liquid in the process. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"No, it's fine." She brushed the wet spot on her shirt. "I just didn't realize anyone was in here." She looked around the empty room then sat down across from him at the table. "What did you ask me?"

"I asked if you ever sleep."

"Doesn't seem like it anymore," she frowned.

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" He felt like this was going out a limb a bit. It seemed like a personal question somehow. Despite the things she's shared with him, it still didn't feel right to pry.

"No, at least, I don't think so." She took a sip of coffee. "I don't know." Garrus gave her a confused look.  
>"What I mean is I've been like this since…" Shepard hated saying 'brought back to life', she fumbled for something different, "since I woke up. Not today but…" she stopped talking and ran a hand through her hair.<p>

"I know what you're trying to say, Marie."

"Yeah. Anyways, it seems like I only need about 4 hours of sleep now. I slept for 8 hours once; I think that was the first time though. What about you, why are you still up?"

"Turians don't need as much sleep as humans. I usually just try to stay out of the way but I wanted the extra room to go over these." He gestured at the papers on the table.

Shepard looked down at them, plans for the Thanix she guessed. "Do you do anything besides play with your canon?" When Garrus didn't say anything she looked up. The turian was staring at her, his mandibles flicked once. "What?" Garrus didn't move. Then it hit her. "Oh! Not what I meant." Shepard could feel the heat creeping up her face.

Garrus' face finally cracked and he began to laugh and Shepard soon joined in. After several attempts they were finally able to regain their composure.

"Oh God, Garrus, I'm so sorry." She let out another sigh, this one contented though. "Man, I haven't laughed like that in ages. But seriously, you should get out more, have some fun. You spend all of your time cooped up in the main battery."

It was good to see her laugh like that. It was carefree and uninhibited, something he hadn't seen in her since the mission started. "The same could be said for you."

"I'll keep that in mind," she smirked.

Shepard slid the cup of coffee across the table and swung her chair around next to his. "So, why don't you show me your canon, Garrus." She gave him a good natured nudge in the side and smiled.

They spent a couple of hours looking at the plans and talking. Garrus did his best to explain the technical aspects to her. She was inquisitive and questioned how things worked or why they were different from the current guns.

Eventually Shepard let out a long yawn. "This has been very informative but I'm afraid I do still need some sleep in order to function. Thanks for telling me about the Thanix, I think it'll really help us against the Collectors."

"My pleasure, Shepard. The next time you're bored we can talk about the algorithms that actually make it work."

Shepard laughed and shook her head then headed back to the elevators.

Garrus neatly restacked the papers and returned to his room. He liked having someone to talk to about his work. Most people tried to get away as soon as it came up, but Shepard had been genuinely interested. His mandibles fluttered as he thought about their conversation. It might have been one of the most enjoyable conversations he'd had in last 2 years, and he suspected it was the same for her.


End file.
